One of the coolest things I have ever seen ever

Alcohol That Is Awesome Chapter 4: Bloody Mary's

Bloody Mary's are a glorious invention.  Straight up.  If you don't like the combination of booze, vegetable juice, and spicy then you clearly sympathize with Bin Laden or some shit.

Let's go over the benefits.
1.) Society has deemed it one of the few drinks that is "acceptable" to drink before noon.
2.) It's got some pretty deec health benefits
3.) I like spicy shit. Sue me

Let's go over the detriments.
1.) None

So shut the fuck up.  This is a short post.  As I'm sure some of you know, I am currently under the influence of Bloody Mary's.  Is it Mary's or Maries?  I don't even care.  I am honoring her enough by consuming her delicious beverage.  Am I gonna get caught up in the details on how to pluralize her name? Maybe for like a minute tops.  Then after that I just won't give a shit.  You know why?  Because her glorious deep red potable will keep me occupied with other thoughts.  Like holy shit, how is this alcoholic?  Or, damn, is that a celery garnish?  You have done it again, Mary.  You have done it again.

Mikey Out

The Wine Tour Story

I feel like the world needs to hear this.  Not because we are historically significant--no wait we are.  We are historically significant because we won.  "Won what," you may ask.  And I'll tell you to shut the fuck up because you are not worthy to talk to such winners.  We won the official 2011 Biggest Shit Show Ever Award given by every award organization ever.  It's pretty much more prestigious than the Oscar's, Grammy's, Tony's, and all that other bullshit that no one cares about combined.  Yes, we are the winners.  All 19 of us.    Together we created the most absurd day in all of our lives.  As a great Italian man once said, "Our collaboration is our success."  Never have these words been so true.  I just want to preface this with the fact that I'm writing it ten days after it occurred, solely from memory.  And I was drunk as shit when it was happening.  Let's get to the story.

Monday May 9th: 10 am
We all congregate at the senior house at around 10 am to get on the limo that you see right above.  Everything is going fantastically.  We arrive at the first winery.  The wine was pretty shitty and overpriced.  Their Pinor Noir tasted like licking a piece of charcoal.  Learn how to make better wine.  That is my advice for the first winery.  If someone were to ask me, "Mikey, if you could give the first winery you went to one piece of advice, what would it be?"  I would respond with, "Make better wine." Anyway, some of us buy some bottles.  And we move on.  The second winery and the third winery pass and we are still doing great.  Everyone is pretty drunk.  However, it was in this moment that we made our greatest mistake.

The Turning Point
After leaving at 10 am and many of us not eating, we decide that instead of going to a place to grab some food, we should go to an unprecedented fourth winery.  Now, this was completely unnecessary.  Many of us are fucked up beyond belief and need to probably start heading back towards Rochester.  But no, we go ahead with the fourth tasting and again have potential to buy more wine.  At the end of the tasting, things start to get a little rambunctious to say the least.  The toilet of the winery overflows, people wander off, a certain individual starts to throw rocks at the winery, etc, etc.  Then, out of left field, VOMIT.  Three people start vomiting within 20 minutes of each other.

Zach pt. 1
Zach didn't just vomit.  I'm pretty positive he died.  Literally (not literally).  Zach was actually dead for a certain period of time.  Beth was trying to convince everyone that it would be socially acceptable for her to piss out the window...we'll get back to that in a minute.

Eamonn
Eamonn straight up just vomited all over himself.  Just looked down and puked on his shirt.  And the best part was that he played it off like it wasn't him.  As all of this is happening, people are yelling for our driver to pull over (we were on the the thruway at this point).  He finds an area to pull off and we are  in this construction area.  Eamonn makes himself a garbage bag diaper and wears it, shirtless, for the remainder of the ride.

Zach pt. 2

Back to the Zach part.  Meanwhile, Zach is basically dead.  Beth, who ended up not peeing out the window, is now hysterically crying because she actually thinks Zach is dying.  Not like how I'm saying because I'm clearly being tongue in cheek.  Beth actually thought Zach was going to perish on this wine tour.  So from that, she started an early mourning period by crying harder than I've ever seen anyone ever cry.  And I've seen a lot of people cry.  Believe me.  All of a sudden, some highway administrator rolls up and is all like, "Yo, someone threw a bottle out your window."  Baby Bear and I handle the situation and all seems well.  That is until the state trooper shows up.  If you've ever tried to maintain composure after pounding wine without any food in your stomach, you know what I was experiencing here.  Because for some reason, Baby Bear and I were the most sober out of everyone (save G-Wood and Belowe) so we are talking to the trooper while people are taking care of Zach.  Basically, Bretty takes the blame for the bottle (which he didn't throw.  It was probably Zach.  No, it was definitely Zach.  Him and Bretty were hanging out the window forever as you can see from the picture.  If it wasn't Bretty, it was Zach.  Believe me, I know math.  I was in honors in high school).  We get back in the car and Jess and I are holding up a garbage bag in front of Zach while he vomits.  I got some on my hands.  You know why?  'Cause Zach is my boy, so shut the fuck up and listen. Finally, an hour and $400 extra dollars later, we make it back.

Conclusion
Now I know this doesn't seem that absurd to everyone, but this turned out to be one of the more stressful days I've had in college.  So, answer me this....WHAT THE SHIT DID YOU DO ON MONDAY MAY 9TH?? That's what I thought.

Love,
Mikey

Edit:  Beth totally fell out of the limo.  And face planted.  Like foreal.  Check it.

Edit 2: Beth wanted me to explicitly state that through all of this, Danny was being a bad friend by making out instead of helping Zach. CLASSIC.

Edit 3: Ben Witten wants everyone to know that Eamonn's vomit didn't only hit Eamonn.  It hit Ben as well.

Senior Week: Day 1

This is the general sentiment of senior week thus far

Will update when something happens.  Next up: Wine tour Monday.  It feels good, bruh.

COMING SOON: THE SENIOR WEEK CHRONICLES

GET EXCITED, DAWG

Holy Shitballs, an Update?! Edit: NUGGET NECTAR

Yes.  Yes indeed.  Mikey here and I have decided to update the blog.  I really don't have a game plan here, so I'm just gonna spitball.  Tonight is Erev D-Day and I couldn't be more excited.  Speaking of alcohol I think I just realized exactly what I'm going to write about.


FORGET WHAT WE SAID ABOUT  FORTIES.  FORGET WHAT WE SAID ABOUT ADMIRAL NELSON.  I have discovered the greatest alcoholic beverage known to man.


You may apprehensively interject, "But Mikey, I am confused.  You already told me about forties and Admiral Nelson.  I've made the lifestyle changes.  I've put in the work and have rededicated my life to these cheap--albeit delicious--refreshments.  I have now grown to fear change, Mikey.  I fear that if I change my ways unreasonable things will happen to me.  What if my student loans literally explode in my face?  Like, the physical paper bill that they are on decides to spontaneously combust right up in my beautiful mug and I get some singe marks on my carpet."


I will then say, "You are gonna have to go ahead and relax, random blog reader.  And frankly, you sound like a huge bitch.  I haven't even said anything yet at all regarding lifestyle changes.  But now that we're on the topic, you should stop using Axe body spray.  What is this?  2002?  Grow up. "


I will then tell you to change everything you know because while you were sleeping, the beer game changed, dawg.  Tröegs Brewery makes this beer called Nugget Nectar that is probably the greatest thing ever.  Of all things.  This takes the cake.  It's like sipping on beer from the tit of God.  If Heaven exists, God will have tits.  And those tits will be chock full of Nugget Nectar.  Not only is it delicious, but look at that sweet logo.  It's like a revolution of hops.  And where is this revolution occurring?  Libya?  Egypt?  HELL NO.  It's happening right in your fuckin' mouth, bro.  Take it in.  Let it all up in there.  And then be like, "Thanks Mikey.  You have good taste."  I know my friend.  I know.


Mikey OUT